


You Are The Reason

by Kboogie09



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: A lot of beatings, Cassian and reader just have always loved each other okay, F/M, Mild Blood, Smut, Torture, but makes that good loving, cassian is too sweet and cautious at the end, k2so being the nice friend, knife tw, unrequited love or are Cassian and reader just too dumb to figure out their feelings, we love some good ol love making
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:56:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24994237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kboogie09/pseuds/Kboogie09
Summary: You have known Cassian for what seems like your entire life, and you have loved him almost just as long (without him knowing of course). What happens when a member of the Rebellion approaches you and tells you that he has just gone missing? How far would you go to protect and save the one person you care about more than yourself? And what does this mean for you and Cassian after?
Relationships: Cassian Andor/Female Reader, Cassian Andor/Reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 28





	You Are The Reason

The smell of various foods being cooked and the chatter of merchants trying hard to sell their merchandise to the dwellers walking around surrounded you. Were you hungry? Sure, and the delicious smells weren’t helping. But you had no time to stop. 

Looking over your shoulder, you pulled your bag up higher as you continued to be unnoticeable during your walk through the crowd. It was second nature to you, trying to appear as a member of the crowd when in reality, you were capable of taking out any one of them who came up to you. 

But that’s not what you wanted. You just wanted to make it back to your room at the inn you kept for yourself— frequent payments going to the innkeeper to ensure that no one ever takes your room. Bouncing between worlds was what you normally did; getting any information you could that you knew would be useful against the Empire. But this was the one place you might even consider home.

Finally making it to the inn, you immediately knew something was off once you reached your room. The small trace of mud right in front of your door caught your eye, and you could smell the faint scent of a cigarra leading into your room. The innkeeper knew enough not to ever bother you, and you knew for a fact they didn’t take up a smoking habit.

Has someone come after you? 

The hair stood on the back of your neck— you were on high alert now. Keeping your hand on your blaster at your hip, you slowly open the door, and step inside. Scanning the room, you caught sight of a shadow lurking in the corner, and whip out your blaster. The figure moves, and you aim directly at them as they speak.

“Take it easy—”

“Who are you? What are you doing here?” 

The figure— a  _ man— _ slowly emerges into the light, hands raised out in surrender as you keep your blaster raised on them. The light from outside flashes a streak across his face, but you still don’t recognize him. You keep your back foot planted, in case you need to make a run for it as he steps closer. 

“So,  _ Nova _ wasn’t code for any hidden information. It was the name of a person.”

The name set something off in you. There was only one person who called you that— and the last time you saw him was days ago. 

_ Nova _ .

You didn’t even know where the name came from. Instead of your real name, he’d begun to refer to you as Nova. 

_ Why do you call me that?  _

_ I don’t know _ , he shrugged.  _ It suits you _ .

So the fact that this guy happened to know this specific name meant something was wrong. And if something  _ was _ wrong, you had to get out of there immediately.

Just as you go to turn, the man reaches for his blaster.

“Don’t try to run.”

Your grip tightens around your own, but you notice that he doesn’t even pull his blaster from the holster. “Why shouldn’t I?”

“Because we would just find you all over again, and I really don’t want to spend the next few moments chasing after you.” 

You stare at him, not moving as he lowers his hand from his side. The fact that he not once even removed his weapon befuddled you. If he was after you, wouldn’t he have threatened you or tried to attack you by now? 

“...Who are you?” 

“That’s not important.” He answers and you scoff. “Now, are you going to lower that?”

“Not until you tell me why you’re here.” 

The man sighs and steps closer into the light, in which you finally take notice of his jacket. Standard military, on his shoulder sits a patch the same color as his jacket as if to hide some type of insignia. You recognize that type of tactic instantly and it finally hits you.

“Are you from the Rebellion?” You ask, watching as the corner of his mouth twitches up. 

“You’re a good observer. I can see now why Andor—”

“Cassian Andor?” You speak quickly, the slight panic evident in your tone. Cassian would have scolded you for that, for sure. 

_ Don’t give any indication— even the slightest hint of panic or lack of comfort _ , he told you many times. _ They will use that against you.  _

But he wasn’t here to reprimand you. 

When the man nods after you speak you step deeper into the room, but slowly begin sidestepping as you keep your blaster up. There was no room for more mistakes here, you had near to perfect aim, so if this guy tried anything funny he wouldn’t even make it close to you. And you didn’t even have to worry about anyone else because from what you’ve observed, he was the only one here. There were no sideways glances or movements to indicate he was communicating with anyone other than you. You made sure to pay close attention to each and every movement after spotting him.

At least  _ that _ Cassian would have praised you on. 

“What… what’s happened to him?” 

“Captain Andor was recently sent undercover to extract some needed information from a weapons dealer. While he was successful in gathering that information, his comm was disconnected before he was able to make it to his ship. We have reason to believe that he’s been captured.” 

Captured? The word played on a constant loop in your mind. You could hardly believe what you were told. Cassian… was captured? 

The last time you saw Cassian, it was just days ago. He came to visit you, like he often would. You two were close, always have been since you were young. While you weren’t a member of the Rebellion like he was, you still managed to get information that was circling around— information you knew you or the Rebellion could use against the Empire. You were his best informant, and possibly his best friend. You were the only one to know everything about him, and the only one he let his walls down with. He wasn’t like that with anyone else— he did not trust easily. But with you, for some reason it was different. 

And it’s also why you couldn’t be honest about your true feelings. He was the only person to know every single detail about you. The only one you trusted, and he was the closest thing to a normal life you had. You had fallen hard into a ditch you couldn’t climb out of, one filled with nothing but  _ longing _ . A longing for someone whose entire life revolves around his job— the Rebellion. He did not have time for relationships, everything was strictly for the Rebellion, always. You could not risk losing him, the only person that made this type of life worth living, over your silly feelings. 

But he never brought up this mission with you. Was he afraid to ask you? It didn’t make sense, you would always accept when he asked you to be his backup. Would it have even made a difference if you went with him? 

“...How do you know about me?” You question, loosening your finger on the trigger, but still aim directly for his heart. 

“We didn’t. But he left some messages for his droid. One was to ‘Find Nova’.” He steps towards you cautiously. “We thought it was code for something else, maybe some information he managed to get. We didn’t know it meant… you.” 

At least you know he never put you in a position where you would be known. But the fact that he told the Rebellion to look for you must have meant he was in deep bantha fodder. Finally, you lower your blaster— not daring to loosen your grip. 

“What do you need?” 

“Well, obviously Captain Andor seems to think you’d be of use in retrieving him. We’ve already tracked his last location, we just need someone capable of handling it.” 

“And you want to send me?”

“Well, he did give us your name. And from where I’m standing, it seems he’s kept you hidden for quite some time now. Why give us your location? Why send us to you if he didn’t think you were capable enough to retrieve him?” 

That was the real question, wasn’t it? Cassian trusted you with his life, did he really trust you enough to know you would be the only one to get him out of whatever trouble he was in?

Sure, you were tactful, good with a blaster, and were capable of defending yourself— all the skills taught to you by Cassian himself. He had trained you how to be observant of your surroundings, to look for ticks people can give off depending on the situation. Even taught you how to prepare quickly in case you needed to run. Sometimes he would not tell you he was stopping by, and would surprise you with a scenario where you would have to defend yourself from him. 

What you thought meaningless tests, he reminded you of the type of world you lived in. And being tied to him would have repercussions. If anyone knew about you, that would put you in some deep trouble.

You stare up at the man as he steps closer to you. “What does Captain Andor think you have that could save him?”

Then it hit you: all the information you seemed to pick up about the Empire and the Rebellion. Cassian had to have known that whoever captured him would love whatever information you had. So that had to be the only reason he wanted the Rebellion to find you. 

The only way to get Cassian back was to trade yourself for him. You did not care much what would happen to you. And you would be damned if you let anything happen to him. 

++++++

It took some time, but you were finally able to make it to the planet where Cassian’s signal had gone dead. From the information you were given, there was a gang residing there that was known for causing trouble around the town. As you roamed around the town, you managed to catch word that it was that specific gang who captured a man. 

They were not sympathizers for either the Rebellion or the Empire, so it would make sense that they found out who Cassian was and decided to take him for the hell of it. 

You hope he was still alive. If he was, then the fact that you had information on both the sides could be useful enough for a trade. 

As you take a sip of your jet juice, your eyes roam along the cantina you made it to. At the bar, you spotted a few members of said gang taking shots and laughing at their own jokes. You figured the easiest way to get taken to their hideout was just to let them capture you, so you had a moment to think of just how to do so. 

Grabbing your drink, you loosen up one of the buttons on your front shirt before making your way over. One of the men pushes away from the bar, and you take your chance to roughly bump into his shoulder. 

The man turns, and you pretend to sway as if plastered. He raises his brow down at you and you scoff.

“Watch where you’re going, bantha fodder,” you slur, and the man is quick to grab hold of your arm. You grit your teeth, looking up at him.

“Hey—“

“Sure you don’t want to apologize for that, sweetness?”

“Apologize? For what? You were the one in my way.” 

His grip tightens around your arm as you challenge him. “Feisty one, eh? You could be a lot of fun.”

You yank your arm away, glaring up at him. “Don’t you know it’s rude to grab a lady?”

In an instant, you throw the remainder of your jet juice in his face, and toss the cup to the ground. A few of his men stand up, but he raises his hand— stopping them. 

“No need to fuss,” he grins smugly, wiping his cheeks. “Seems like she was just headed out, anyways. Isn’t that right, sweetness?” 

“Yeah, I was,” you sneer, before finally turning in your heel and leaving the cantina. 

If these guys were as bad as you had heard, then they would be after you in mere minutes. As you turn down an alleyway, you stay aware of your surroundings— Cassian would’ve praised you on that. From the corner of your eye, you spot movement, but feign obliviousness as you continue walking in the dark. 

It was quick— just like you knew it would be. A hand covers your mouth and pushes you against the brick wall, your cries muffled as your cheek scrapes along the stone. A body presses up against you, and you feel the hot breath of your assailant fan against your ear as they lean close. 

“Can’t use that mouth of yours now, huh sweetness?” The man from earlier asks. You struggle against him, feeling movement behind you. 

You were prepared, you thought of the various scenarios that would happen when they made their way to capture you. But it still caught you by surprise when you felt the prick in your neck and the warm fluid rushing now through your veins. 

Instinctively, you try fighting the sleep, but you could already feel your body falling slack into the man’s arms. Before darkness takes over, you’re sure that you saw a flash of Cassian’s face, and can only relax. 

++++++

A faint voice is heard— and though it sounds as if it’s far away, you know better. You feel a few small pats against your cheek, and you can’t help the way your head tilts to the side although you try so hard to remember just how your muscles work. 

The musty smell of wherever you were had your stomach churning, you would not be surprised if at any moment you threw up all the contents in your stomach. It was cold and damp— you were sure they stripped you of your jacket as you suddenly shivered— goosebumps covering your arms. 

Your shoulders were now being shaken violently, and it did not help with the queasiness you were feeling. 

“...-ake up, sweetness,” the voice finally breaks through the hazy fog in your mind. “Come on, that’s it.” 

Wherever the group must’ve taken you had to have been isolated from the rest of the town. Although it might have just been the effects of the drug, you still couldn’t hear much of the commotion that you had when you walked through the town, so either you were underground or on the outskirts of town. 

You can only manage a small groan, the very thought of even trying to articulate words or even trying to deal with the dryness of your mouth is a difficult task for you. It feels like small weights are tied to your eyelids; you try so hard to open them when you feel hands grab your arms to pull you up. A deep chuckle is heard— amused at your inebriated state. 

“Bix, go fetch this sweet girl some water.” 

There is a grunt in response, you suspect from Bix, and suddenly you feel a hand clamp onto your chin. This is when you use everything you can to open your eyes, and although all you can make out is a blurry figure it is enough. 

“There she is,” he grins, his fingernails scratching against your skin. You try pulling away, but he keeps a firm grip. “You know, I have a lot of fun planned for you.”

“Here’s the water, Terek.” 

The man—  _ Terek _ — takes the canteen from Bix, and spins the cap off with his free hand. He pushes it to your lips, and you practically guzzle it down like you had been stranded in the deserts of Tatooine for days. But as soon as he had given it to you, he pulled the canteen away, and all you could do was watch helplessly as he poured the rest on the ground. 

“Now,” he tsks. “I think we’re ready to have a little fun, don’t you?” 

_ No, no, no,  _ you think as he stands up. You need to tell them why you’re there. Why you wanted to get caught, who you needed to see...

Cassian.

He was here in the same place as you. You were so close to him. If only you could fucking find the words to speak or move your body the way it needs to.

As Terek walks up to you, you slowly begin to mumble. He smirks, kneeling in front of you.

“You trying to say something, sweetness?” 

“...W-Wai… wait,” you finally manage to breathe out, and it feels so good to have at least a small ounce of control despite the drug flowing through your system. 

“Wait?” He chuckles. “What do you expect me to wait for—“

“I… You have s-something—  _ someone  _ I need,” you slur, pushing yourself up. 

“Oh? Is that so?” 

You nod, slowly gaining more control over your movements. “A… rebel.” 

Terek’s brow raises, and he sits for a moment as if processing everything, before he gives you a sly smile that sends a shiver along your spine. You try not to show your discomfort, Cassian’s familiar words ringing through your ears. 

_ Don’t give any indication— even the slightest hint of panic or lack of comfort. They will use that against you.  _

When Terek speaks, the tone of his voice is teasing— almost sing-songy. 

“Ah, I see now. It was all a ruse, wasn’t it?” He traces a finger along your cheek, but this time you’re able to pull away. “Bumping into me at the cantina, letting us follow you along down the alleyway. All part of your little plan.” 

Terek stands up, snickering as he looks down at you. 

“You know, I actually feel flattered. I mean you took the time to find out about us, planned out a way to piss me off, and therefore decided to put yourself in this situation just to get to that man.” 

He walks over to a small table, grabbing an item but you can’t quite make it out as he shoves it into his pocket. As he turns back to you, he grins.

“But there is one thing that is just picking at my brain. What could you possibly have that I could use instead of my rebel friend, hmm?” 

He lifts your chin up with his dirty finger, and you try hard to focus on him. 

“In...information,” you pull your head back from him, swaying a bit. “I can give you… any information.”

“What makes you think I am incapable of getting information, sweet girl?” 

“Because… I can give you information about the Alliance and the Empire. You won’t… won’t have to get it from anyone else. You have me,” you mutter. “Just… let him go.”

Terek watches you, before he turns and barks orders at his men in another dialect. A few of them leave, while two others make their way to you. To no avail, you try crawling away only for them to yank you up by your arms. 

Your legs felt as if they were made up of Andorian jello, how they shook when they pulled you to stand upright. If you were to stand up with no assistance, you would have only fell back to the ground. You struggle to find your footing as they walk you up to Terek, who smirks down at you. 

“Time for some fun.” 

++++++

You were dragged along to another room, one in a similar grotesque state as the previous one. The men pulling you along paid no mind to your frail state, and you were sure if they continued moving you the way they did that you were going to vomit. 

There was no way of knowing what was going to happen. Terek hasn’t so much as looked back at you the entire walk through their hideout. All you knew was that Terek seemed giddy— there was a slight spring in his step in a cruel way. 

“Wakey, wakey!” Terek chimes, and you are brought to a halt behind him. He wasn’t talking to you, though. “Oh, don’t look at me like that. I came bearing a gift. One I think you’ll enjoy  _ very _ much.” 

As soon as Terek steps to the side, you’re shoved down to the floor. You stay lying flat on the floor for a moment, your mind spinning. Placing your palms out on the floor, you struggle to lift yourself up. 

“Nova…” The faint whisper of the name has your heart catching in your throat. You’d recognize that voice anywhere.

Suddenly, you hear the sound of someone struggling followed with a loud  _ thwap _ . Looking up, you see one of Terek’s men bring their blaster back as they step out of your line of view. Now you are staring as Cassian tries to recover from the blow, shaking his head until he locks eyes with you. Two men continue to hold him as they restrain his wrists together behind his back before pushing him to his knees.

While you are relieved to see Cassian, the queasiness in your stomach is now from the realization of the situation setting in. You take a moment to just  _ look _ at him. There are a few bruises on his face, paired with small scratches and dried blood. He looked exhausted.

“Aw, look at that,” Terek chuckles. “A wonderful reunion! You know, I thought today wasn’t going to be eventful at all but...”

He walks past you and over to Cassian, grabbing his chin roughly. “Did you know that  _ that  _ woman over there wanted to be captured? She was offering to trade herself just to get to you, I mean… she must really care about you, huh?”

Terek practically throws Cassian’s face to the side before spinning on his heel, smiling down at you. “Isn’t that right, sweetness?” 

You keep your eyes on Cassian, his jaw tense as he glares up at Terek. Cassian’s eyes then move to you, his gaze slightly softening. All you wanted to do in that moment was rush over to him— to embrace him, to help him, to protect him— but you couldn’t even move properly. 

Terek takes a moment, exchanging glances between you both before his expression brightens in an evil way. 

“Oh,  _ oh _ … I see what’s going on here!” He laughs, pointing between the two of you. “How did I not see it!” 

Terek claps his hands together, before striding over to you, bending down in front of you. He blocks your view of Cassian and grabs your face with one hand, squeezing your cheeks tight as he forces you to look up at him.

“You love him, don’t you?”

Your eyes widen but you don’t respond, trying to keep your emotions in check. He looks over his shoulder back to Cassian, but you can’t see his reaction. When he looks back down at you, he tenderly brushes his thumb against your cheek. 

Suddenly, he reels the same hand back and you don’t even process what happens because in the blink of an eye you topple back down to the floor, a searing hot pain across your cheek. Your mind is in a flurry— the mix of being slapped hard and the effects from the drug has you struggling hard to focus. 

You hear Cassian grunting and another hard hit from a blaster as you shake your head. Terek is now hovering behind you and pulls you up by the collar of your shirt, his nose brushing into your hair as he leans down.

“Answer me when I ask you a question, sweet girl,” Terek sneers into your ear, his entire demeanor changing. Letting out a soft whimper, you close your eyes as he releases your shirt and you fall back to the ground.

“Oh, you  _ do _ ,” his tone changes back, and he chuckles. “That’s why you went through all that trouble.” 

Terek kneels back down next to you as he pushes your hair out of your face, feigning pity as he caresses the same spot he slapped you. 

“Does he know?” He whispers. ”Please tell me he doesn’t because that just makes things a little more interesting.” 

You dare not answer again, waiting for another slap as he pulls his hand back but you don’t feel any contact. 

Instead, he lifts you up by your arm, practically dragging you across the floor as you can’t manage to find the strength to lift your legs up. Then, he drops you to the floor only for a moment so he can get behind you and lift you up so you are now sitting up, resting against his chest. Terek holds your head up by wrapping his arm across your neck. 

Cassian is directly in front of you, inhaling sharply through his nose. You are forced to look at him, feeling helpless and despicable as Terek holds you up. 

“Now, we’re going to play a game. For your sakes, I hope you both participate,” he chuckles into your ear. 

Cassian stares down Terek, and if looks could kill you knew he would be dead in an instant if it were up to Cassian. 

“Okay, sweetness, I want you to tell me the truth. Do you love him?” 

Your breath hitches, and all you can do is look at Cassian with a mix of panic and remorse. This is not how you wanted to admit your feelings. Hell, you didn’t even plan on facing them at all.

Although you know it’s all a game for Terek— a harsh, cruel game— it’s torture for you, and he knows it. How could you answer him? How could you possibly look Cassian in the eye and admit your true feelings?

So you stare. You stare and try to read the look in Cassian’s eyes, but you can’t. All those times Cassian had you work on analyzing people’s emotions, but you could not read his own at this moment. 

“Don’t make me ask you again,” Terek growls deeply against your ear. “Do you love him?” 

And you still can’t bring yourself to answer, instead you look to the ground, trying hard to bite back tears. 

“Alright, don’t say I didn’t warn you.” 

You look up as soon as the first punch is thrown, eyes wide with terror as Cassian’s head falls to the side. As soon as he lifts his head back up, another punch is thrown. Then another. And then another. The pain of just watching was unbearable— it was as if you were getting hit alongside him. 

“Stop!” You finally shout, struggling in Terek’s hold. “Don’t hit him!” 

Terek’s men pay no mind to you, and this time you watch as Cassian takes a blow to the stomach, hunching over until he is pulled back. 

“You know what you have to say, sweet girl.”

Cassian’s eyes meet yours, and you begin sobbing, silently begging them to spare him— to spare him from the physical pain he was subjected to as well as to spare him from having to hear you admit your feelings. 

“I’m sorry,” you start to let your head drop down. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry—”

“No, no, no,” Terek quickly grabs your chin, forcing you to lift your head to watch as Cassian gets punched in the ribs. You are screaming now, but Terek’s voice still manages to break through. “You know what you have to say. Don’t start apologizing now—”

“—I’m so sorry, Cassian—”

“—This could have been dealt with easily,” he continues to say over your screams. “All you had to do was—”

“Okay!” You shout and Terek holds one hand up. 

Cassian groans out in pain, as Terek’s men step away. Each breath he takes seems just a struggle for him, and all you can do is sob at the state he is in. 

“Aw, don’t cry. Don’t cry, Shh...” Terek presses his cheek to yours. “Now, I will give you one more chance to answer: do you love him?”

Looking up with tear-filled eyes, you watch as Cassian slowly lifts his head up. The sight of fresh blood upon his face churns your stomach— you don’t want him to have to suffer anymore. Fixing him with an apologetic look, you swallow thickly.

“It’s true…” You whisper, only for your voice to rise just a bit. “It’s true, I do love you, Cassian. I always have… I’m sorry…”

Cassian’s expression is light and you thought for a split moment that there was a bit of hope in his eyes. But then he closes his eyes, and that one movement seems to shatter everything inside of you. 

How did you expect for him to look? Relieved? No, of course he wouldn’t. Because although Cassian did care for you, it did not mean that he would reciprocate your feelings and suddenly love you as well.

“See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?” Terek hums, looking down at you. Your head drops, and you watch as the tears from a small, barely there puddle on the floor. “Or was it?” 

Terek gasps playfully. “Oh, no… you’ve been keeping this to yourself, haven’t you?” 

You squeeze your eyes shut— you hope that if you do all of this goes away: Terek, the torture… the look on Cassian’s face. 

“Oh… I wonder just  _ how _ long you’ve kept this for yourself, sweet thing,” Terek clicks his tongue. “Must’ve been pretty lonely, craving a man who didn’t even know the true extent of your feelings.” 

He lifts your chin up, gripping it tightly as you keep your eyes closed. “Let’s see how he feels about all this.”

He begins brushing the tears off of your cheek. You flinch from his touch and he chuckles. “My, my… isn’t she beautiful? Even after crying?” 

He turns to Cassian, who glowers at Terek as he continues to drag his thumb down your cheek. He does not even look at you. 

“Do you want to fuck her, Cassian?” 

The way Terek says his name fills you with such disgust. You were such an idiot. You did not mean to say his name, it just came out. If you weren’t in the situation you were in now, Cassian sure would have given you a piece of his mind right now.

Cassian’s entire body becomes tense, and while you have seen him angry before, the look he gives Terek causes you to shiver. 

“I mean, with a face like hers,” Terek squeezes your cheeks. “How could you not want to stare down at her while you fuck her hard and rough? Oh, I bet she makes the  _ sweetest _ sounds.”

But Cassian continues to stare straight ahead, not flicking his eyes over to you once. Your heart aches— the fact that Cassian can’t even bring himself to look at you hurts you in the worst possible way. 

When Terek releases your cheeks, you are relieved. Until he grips your hair tightly and yanks it back. A slight whimper escapes you and Terek chuckles deeply, trailing a finger along your exposed throat. “See? Oh, Maker. You could definitely have the time of your life getting the best sounds out of this one.”

You are sure he’s ripped some strands of hair based on the stinging pain of your scalp. All you can do is stare at the ceiling, feeling Terek’s disgusting warm breath against your neck as he continues to taunt Cassian.

“If you want, I can give you both a few minutes of alone time. We won’t even peek… much.”

A string of chuckles are heard, but then it is soon followed by the sound of someone grunting and scuffles. You manage to look down, only to catch a glimpse of Cassian now being shoved onto the ground while another man covers his face, blood gushing through his fingers. 

“Oh, seems that we might have struck a nerve. Which makes me wonder…”

Terek suddenly pushes you to the floor, and you feel as if you can finally breathe freely. It felt as if he had been holding you up for hours, you did not even realize that the drug was slowly fading away from your body. You were able to push yourself up just barely— enough to watch as Terek makes his way over to Cassian who is now being pulled back up by two men.

Cassian still does not turn to face you, instead watches as Terek leans down close to him. Although you can’t see his face, the picture of him grinning smugly at Cassian is clear in your mind simply from the tone in his voice. 

“You don’t just want to fuck her, right? You love her too, don’t you?” 

The tension in the room was palpable— a least to you. Everyone else just seemed eager to hear just what Cassian had to say. 

Not you. 

You were not ready to hear what he had to say in response to that question— especially after you had just admitted your feelings to him. But then it dawns on you.

He doesn’t feel the same way. 

Which, of course he doesn’t. How could he? More importantly,  _ why _ would he? 

There was not anything special about you. All you knew how to do was sneak around and trade around information. Cassian could easily find someone to replace you. 

All the times you thought that there could be a chance with him— all the memories that flood your mind of the possible  _ maybe  _ you thought at the moment that he cared for you as you had for him— wither away. 

Another minute goes by and Cassian still does not answer. Terek lets out a sigh, and you quickly look to the floor as he begins to make his way back to you. 

“I told you both, but it seems that you are just as equally stubborn.” You feel a pair of hands lift you up by your arms, and suddenly you are back to facing Terek, who stops in front of you. He shakes his head, putting on a mock pout. “I’m so sorry about this, sweet girl.” 

The slap is hard and fast across your cheek, just like the first time moments ago. You hear Cassian yelling something that you do not catch, but Terek does not let up. Another hard slap hits your opposite cheek, and you can’t help it as your vision swirls while your head falls to the side. 

Even as you are indisposed, Terek hits you again. This time, his fist is closed and connects hard with your jaw. Instead of keeping you up, Terek’s men let you fall to the ground and you feel Terek’s hard boot connect with your abdomen, knocking the air clear out of you. Cassian must have said something, because Terek halts the next blow to turn to him. 

“Is there something you’d like to say?” He asks, palms splayed open. “This can all stop.” 

Despite the dizziness and aching pain in your torso, you manage to barely lift your head off the ground. Your vision sets, and you are able to see Cassian as his face twists in anger. 

But when his gaze flicks down to you, his features soften— his eyes apologetic and begging for forgiveness. His eyes do not leave yours this time, staring deep into them. 

“Nova…” You do not expect him to speak, and you definitely do not expect him to continue to do so in Festian. 

Cassian had taught you a few basic phrases here and there when you asked. But, there were times where he would randomly speak to you in Festian without translating. There was particularly one phrase that he would always tell you, and no matter how many times you bugged him about it, he would just simply smile and say the same thing after. 

_ I’ll tell you another time. _

So it caught your attention when you heard him speak that same phrase to you with a different look in his eyes.

“Oh, now you’re not playing fair,” Terek waves a finger at Cassian, before glancing over to you. “Well, if that’s how you want to play it…” 

Terek stalks towards you, like a hungry nexu on it’s way to pounce on its prey. Your eyes move down to his hand as he reaches down to his side, and when you see light reflecting from the blade, your throat tightens. Trying to crawl away from him with no avail, Terek easily lifts you up by your hair, and drags you along the floor back towards Cassian.

At this point, your heartbeat rings in your ears— you can barely hear Cassian yelling as you are brought in front of him with the blade now lined up with your throat. Terek presses up the blade against your skin, and you try everything in your power not to move. 

Balling your fists up— trying to still the trembling throughout your body— you don’t even realize that you’re crying until Terek reaches up and wipes a tear away. 

“Now, since you don’t like to play by the rules, I’m proposing a new game,” Terek articulates each word as sharp as the knife in his hand. He grips tightly onto your hair, and you don’t hold back the cry as he does so. 

Cassian’s eyes widen at the sight of the knife, and he tries desperately to pull out of the henchmen’s grasp. Terek laughs— a dark and evil sound— at his despair.

“Here's what you’re going to do, Cassian,” Terek sneers. “You’re going to tell our girl here that everything is going to be okay. That she will be okay.”

The tears are falling harder now as you feel the edge of the knife push harder against your skin. Your hands are on Terek’s arm, trying to pull it down, to pull the knife away, but it’s no use. He keeps it in place. 

“I want you to lie to her. Go on, make her believe that she’s going to be okay.”

Cassian stares, his eyes flicking back and forth from the knife against your throat to your tear-filled eyes. You had never seen that level of fear from Cassian before, and it only urged on your own. Closing your eyes, you try to steady your breathing until you hear Cassian’s voice.

“...Nova,” he says, the name so soft— softer than you’d ever heard him say before. “Nova, look at me.”

You hesitate to do so, but slowly open up your eyes to see him. His expression has changed, it is much more calmer than before, as is the tone of his voice. 

“It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay, I promise you.”

He says it so tenderly that you... almost believe him. The gentle regard in his eyes, the quiet, calm tone of his voice. But you know better. He was trained to do anything in his power to get people to believe him— to believe every little word that comes out of his mouth. 

There is a quiet moment between you both as you stare into each other’s eyes, as if it were just the two of you and there was no Terek or his men in the same room. It takes you back to all those quiet moments you had spent with him when he would visit with you— talking about plans of when the war was over or how you would both change certain aspects of your lives. That sense of comfort and hope fills you, and you find yourself giving him a sad smile as if you do believe him.

“Alright, take him away.”

In an instant, that hope is torn as Cassian is being pulled up to his feet, and you immediately fear the worst.

“No!” You scream, trying to pull out of Terek’s grasp, but he only pushes the knife harder against your neck. You ignore the sting of the blade as it barely pierces through the top layer of your skin as they drag Cassian away. 

At this point, you are not scared of the knife anymore. You are scared— no, you are  _ terrified _ of what they are going to do to Cassian. 

“Ah, ah, ahh….” Terek hums, leaning close to you. “You’re going to stay with me and play a little longer, sweet girl.” 

Cassian calls out your name and tries hard to yank himself away, his eyes still glued on yours. The room fills with your sobs and Cassian’s voice as he continues shouting the entire time, until his shouts fade away the further they take him. 

When you can no longer hear his voice, a part of you feels empty. It’s almost as if your heart was ripped out of your chest and dragged away with Cassian as they took him out of the room. Was this going to be the last time you saw Cassian? Was the last thing you said to him going to be you admitting your love for him?

Did he even believe you when you did? Or did he just think that it was all to get them to stop hurting him? 

The next thing you knew, you were being pushed onto the floor and flipped over onto your back. As you kick and squirm and scream, Terek straddles you, making it hard for you to try and get away. He grabs your wrists and pins them above your head as you sob, before holding them down with one hand and bringing the knife back up. 

Terek starts to drag it just barely along your cheek, and you automatically freeze out of reflex. He grins— an evil image that will be etched in your mind until he is finished with you. 

“Who knew rebels could fall in love, hm?”

Closing your eyes, you feel the knife continue to move along every inch of your face in a tantalizing way. The end of the knife pricks into your cheek, and you feel a drop of blood slide down your cheek along with your tears. You did not even realize you were holding in a breath until you felt him lean down. 

“Now that we’re alone, what do you say we have some real fun, hm?” 

This was not how you wanted it to end. You did not want to die at the hands of some gang leader, but all the training you went through, all the escape tactics Cassian taught you, was simply nonexistent in your mind at this point. 

All you can do is lie there, feeling helpless and alone. You close your eyes, trying to think of something, or rather someone else as you wait for your untimely demise. 

Imagine your confusion when you hear the shot of a blaster but don’t feel any sense of pain. When you open your eyes, you watch as Terek topples over on top of you. Staying completely still, you wait for him to make another movement only to realize he was not even breathing. 

Before you could take a moment to process everything, his body is being moved off of you, and your eyes are met with Cassian’s. 

“Cassian,” you breathe out his name softly— he was okay. He was alive and breathing. He was right there in front of you, close enough for you to touch. They managed to get to him before the worst could happen. And you were  _ so _ relieved.

Just as you go to reach up for him, a pair of hands slide underneath your arms to lift you up. Looking up, you see the Rebel, Melshi as you remembered from his visit, helping you stand. Instinctively, you clutch onto him, not wanting to be pulled away from the first sense of safety you found since getting in this mess. 

“You’re okay,” he says as he lets you hold onto him. 

“Took you guys long enough,” you mutter, reaching into a secret pocket in your pants and placing the tracker in his hand.

“Sorry, had trouble with his other men stationed outside.”

You nod simply, before you glance over at Cassian, who watches you closely as you continue to hold onto Melshi. Your heart races as he takes one step forward, his mouth opening as if he wants to tell you something. 

He doesn’t say anything.

Instead, he presses his lips together in a thin line and nods up at Melshi, before turning back and talking to another Rebel. 

You didn’t understand. There wasn’t anything he had to say to you? He didn’t want to talk about what happened? Did you really ruin things from your confession? 

The lump in your throat grows, but you hold back your tears. You could not display your true emotions— you did not want Cassian to see the hurt. 

“Come on,” Melshi‘s voice pulls you from your thoughts, leading you out of that terrible room. You still clutch onto him, trying not to take notice of all the bodies as he takes you to the transport.

++++++

You followed Cassian’s own advice— put up your own walls to hide your feelings. The entire flight back, you sat quiet as Melshi placed bacta patches on your visible injuries before leaving you be. Cassian had made his way to the front of the ship, glancing at you every now and then as he took care of his own injuries. 

It did not surprise you that he still had not made any effort to talk with you, though with every gaze thrown your way it sure seemed like he wanted to. You were confused, so to say, but you remained impassive. 

Maybe Cassian not talking to you was the best thing to happen. Maybe Cassian was not meant to be in your life forever. Hell, with the lives you both live how could you think romance was on the table? 

Maybe it was for the best. Maybe you could easily get over this and focus on yourself and what you could do next. 

“Hey,” Melshi walks back, handing you a canteen. “We’ll take a look of your injuries when we get to base.”

“I’m fine—“

“You’ve probably got a cracked rib guessing from the way you wince each time you take a breath.”

You do not respond, instead look up at Cassian as he makes his way to the cockpit. He still had not made any attempt to talk to you. 

Melshi sighs. “At least let the doctors take a proper look, and then you can be on your way.”

That catches your attention and you look back to him. “Wait, do you think they’ll let me take a ship?”

He scoffs humorously, shaking his head. “I highly doubt that, but I can get you a ride if you need one.” 

“Can you?”

He nods, “Buddy of mine has to make a stop at the Ring of Kafrene, but I’m sure they would—“

“No, no… that’s perfect for me.” 

Before Melshi can speak, Cassian walks up. Instinctively, you straighten up, as if waiting for him to speak to you directly. 

“... We’ll be landing soon.”

“Yes, Captain,” Melshi stands, moving to grab his equipment while you are left alone with Cassian. 

The anticipation of waiting for him to say something—  _ anything _ — hung thickly in the air. So much runs through your mind as he stares down at you, and you wonder what kind of thoughts are running through his own. He looks around, before he steps closer, and you see the soft glow in his features, especially his eyes. 

“Are you okay?”

You blink once, then twice, and then a third time. “You’re seriously asking me that?”

You were not quite sure why you answered with that. You did not mean to seem harsh but it was quite obvious you weren’t okay. You knew that. 

Cassian knew that. 

His demeanor changes instantly, and he is back to being the Rebel spy. He shakes his head, his hands moving to his hips. 

“You shouldn’t have been there. They shouldn’t have found you— I… I shouldn’t have given your name to them.” 

“Yeah, but you did,” you mutter softly. “And I  _ was _ there. I was there to help you, to rescue you.” 

“By trading yourself for me? Why would you think that would work?” 

“I told them I could give them information, he seemed interested—“

“Nova, he didn’t care about the information. Why didn’t you see that earlier?” He snaps. “You should have known that was all a game to him.” 

“Well, I’m sorry I was more worried about finding you and trying to get you out.”

“I had it handled.” 

“That’s not what it looked like to me,” you answer, staring up at him— challenging him. 

The ship shakes as it lands, but Cassian keeps his gaze on you until another Rebel comes up to him. Part of you is thankful, because you knew at any moment you would probably burst into tears. 

As soon as the ramp lowers down, you hastily make your way out of the transport in search of the medbay. The humid air hits your skin, and you can feel the sweat forming on your brow as you make your way through the crowded hangar. With every step a painful jolt shoots up from your side, and you try pressing your palm flat for some added pressure. 

You thought back to that conversation: did Cassian just think you were simply an idiot?  _ Why didn’t you see that earlier? _ You picture the annoyed look in his eyes,  _ you should have known it was all a game to him _ . 

And maybe he was right, you should have known from that moment you encountered Terek that he was never going to let you and Cassian go without repercussions. 

But what infuriated you was the fact that all Cassian seemed to think of you was that you were clueless. That you went in simply without thinking and were just being an idiot.

Just as you make your way past a group of pilots, you feel a hand grasp yours, and quickly turn around. Cassian has his back to you as he pulls you along, leading you out of the hangar to a more secluded area. 

As soon as you both are alone, Cassian stops and turns to you with an unreadable look on his face. He still has your hand in his, and doesn’t seem too eager to release it.

“I have to go to the medbay,” you sigh, moving to pull your hand away. Cassian ignores your statement and continues to keep a tight grip on your hand. 

“Nova, what’s going on?”

“We already talked about this—“

“No, there’s more and you’re just not telling me.”

Turning away from him, you try to keep your thoughts exactly that— all you wanted to do was get checked out in the medbay and catch a ride away from this humid, seemingly crowded base. 

But Cassian was not stupid, he could easily read you like a book— you wouldn’t even be surprised if he could even read your thoughts at some times. 

Your jaw tightens, and all you can do is shake your head at him. “I’m sick of this.”

“Sick of what—“

“Sick of you thinking I am just clueless in these situations. That I don’t know what I’m doing— I knew what I was doing the moment I let them take me.” 

He says your name but you don’t relent. You’re angry— angry that he is trying to get out of talking about what happened other than you being there. 

“And I’m sick of you trying to cause a fight over something else rather than talking about the real issue here.”

“And what’s the real issue here?”

“What did you say to me? Back there when Terek…” 

You cut yourself off, unable to finish the sentence before exhaling shakily. “I know that the situation wasn’t… ideal, but what I said was the truth. And it kills me that you had to find out that way, but it’s true. I do love you, Cassian. I always have. But the look on your face after I said it I just…” 

You finally look up at him with pleading eyes. “What did you say when Terek… You’ve said that to me before, and every single time I asked what it meant you never told me. But then out of the blue you say the  _ exact _ same phrase when Terek was playing his game with us. So just…  _ please.  _ Please, Cassian, be honest with me.” 

Cassian remains silent, and all you can do is stare at him, silently begging him to speak even if it’s to reject you or even if it’s any indication that he does harbor the same feelings you do. You just want him to tell you what he never did all those other moments he spent with you.

He opens his mouth and you all but ready yourself until he looks behind you, his gaze darkening with emotion. When you turn, you spot Melshi jogging up to you, nodding at Cassian before moving his attention to you. 

“Sorry for interrupting, I was just checking to see if you went to the medbay yet.”

“No… not yet.” 

“Okay, well make sure you do and come find me after, okay? I’ll help you out.”

“I will,” you smile softly. “Thank you, Melshi.” 

“Of course,” he turns to Cassian. “General Draven is looking for you, Captain.”

“I’ll be there shortly,” Cassian answers, stiffly. You take note of his tone, glancing over at him. Melshi doesn’t seem to catch it, instead salutes him before giving you a nod and walking off. 

“So, you’re friendly with Melshi now?” 

A flicker of irritation flashes through you— he was not being serious, was he? Was he just trying to say anything to get out of this conversation? You can only scoff at his words. 

“So now you’re just trying to start another fight? Is that it?”

Cassian’s previously hardened gaze eases, and he moves to reply but you are too fired up to let him speak. 

“I just don’t understand you, Cassian. You say or do one thing and then the next you’re back to being this…” you wave your hands out at him. “And I’m just— I’m sick of it!” 

“Nova—“

“Don’t. Please, just… I’m tired, Cassian. I’m tired and I’m confused and I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

You feel tears begin to brim— the ache in your chest becomes overwhelming the longer you stand there staring into Cassian’s eyes. You were tired, physically  _ and _ emotionally. There was not much more you could deal with, especially not this. 

“What was it you said to me? Please… I don’t know how much longer I can dance around this with you. I’ve known you for so long and yet you  _ still _ build up these walls when you’re with me that I can’t seem to get past.” 

You didn’t even know you had begun to cry until Cassian brought his hand up to your face, gently brushing the tears away with your cheek. He has comforted you before— held you when you had nightmares. So instead of pulling away, you can only lean into his touch automatically despite the emotions boiling within you.

“I just want the truth, okay? Why can’t you just give me that? How much longer do I have to beg for you to—“

In a moment faster than light speed, Cassian had used his hands to grab your cheeks and pull you towards him, capturing your lips with his in a fervent, passionate kiss. You’re too shocked to move away, so many thoughts running through your mind that it all becomes a blur in an instant. 

It was everything— the moment his lips touched yours, you melted. You became putty in his hands as he tilted his head to deepen the kiss. 

But yet…

After years of imagining what his lips would feel like pressed against yours, you wanted to lose yourself within the kiss, you truly did. But as you pull back and stare up into Cassian’s dark luminous eyes, you’re left more confused than ever. 

Was there a sense of affection in his eyes? Or were you just hoping that it was there, just as you had hoped he loved you the way that you love him?

Or worse, was he just playing you? Was he just using every skill he was taught on you and this was the spy you had heard many stories about? 

Your name rolls off his tongue in a whisper that pulls you from your rambling mind, and before he can speak, a deep voice calls for him. The both of you turn your heads, but Cassian is the one who takes a full step away from you. 

Just like that, his walls were back up.

“Captain Andor,” the man you assumed to be General Draven walks up, glancing between the both of you. You avert your gaze, looking down at the floor to give them a sense of privacy.

“General.” Cassian salutes— ever the perfect soldier.

“We’re going to need your report on the incident right now, we’ll be meeting in the mission briefing room.”

“Yes, General.” 

He soon walks off the way he came, and you are left once again in the midst of an awkward silence with Cassian, as if what happened moments ago didn’t happen. He stares down at you, regret littered upon his face— like he is torn. 

_ Please don’t go. _

“I, Uh…” he breathes out, not quite sure what to say. But that alone was enough for you to dismiss it. “Nova—“

“It’s fine,” you shake your head, avoiding his gaze. “You should… you should go. It’s important stuff…”

He says your name softly and steps towards you again, but you squeeze your eyes shut and close in on yourself. 

“I have to go to the medbay, anyways.” 

Cassian sighs, and takes a moment before he whispers an ‘okay’. You feel him brush his fingers against the back of your hand before opening your eyes. 

_ Don’t cry, for the love of stars, don’t you dare cry.  _

“When I’m finished, I’ll come find you. We can… we’ll talk, okay?” 

You can only manage a small nod and force a smile— hoping it’s convincing enough that you are okay. While he stares at you, obviously not convinced, the good soldier in him follows his orders and turns to leave. 

All you want to do is scream. And shout. You want to hit the wall or kick the metal crates next to you. You want to cry. 

But you don’t.

Instead, all you do is stand in place, watching Cassian round the corner to leave you behind. The kiss plays over and over in your mind, like a broken hologram you needed to fix just to skip over the next part as a way to get over the sorrowful ache in your chest. 

You shouldn’t have expected anything less. Part of you debates running after him, but you can’t think clearly enough to decide what action you would take. Would you have kissed him again? Or would you just go straight to demanding an explanation from him and possibly end up starting another argument? 

Despite everything running through your mind— despite what your heart was telling you to do— the only thing you could physically do in that moment was let your legs with each shaky step lead you to find Melshi.

As you look through the hangar, you’re too preoccupied to notice the tall droid standing in your path. You manage to glance up just before running into it, and you look up to see the familiar reprogrammed Imperial droid.

“Hello, Nova.” 

No matter how many times you insisted he call you by your real name, K2S-O still used the same name Cassian would. Cassian would bring him along for visits every now and then, and you got on well. You always teased that Kay liked you more than Cassian did. 

“Oh, hi Kay.”

“Are you looking for Cassian? He’s meeting—“

“No, no.” You shake your head. “I’m… I was just with him, so… I was looking for the medbay.”

“Well, it’s in the opposite direction. And you seem to be in a hurry to leave. Would you like for me to get the Captain?”

“No, Kay,” you sigh. “Just… don’t tell him you saw me, okay? Please?” 

“You seem to be in distress.”

A dry chuckle escapes you, and you close your eyes. “Just… please, if he asks about me just say you didn’t see me.” 

“I see. I will tell him exactly that.”

You hear heavy footsteps walk away from you and when you look back up, you see that Kay is gone. Part of you feels guilty for having Kay lie to Cassian for you— you know how loyal the droid is to him. But you just needed to leave, to clear your head. 

As soon as you spot Melshi, you take the one chance that you can get to do exactly that.

++++++

It would have been a lie to say that you were handling things well since you’ve been back home. Since you didn’t get the proper medical help back on Yavin IV, you had to stop by the nearest medic to get checked out. After a few bacta patches were wrapped around you and a lovely health stim was injected into you, you thought you would be good to go. 

If only the trip to the medic was able to help the rest of you heal. 

Sleep was rough. There were some nights you had made it through, but others you were lucky to even get through one or two hours. If you weren’t tossing and turning all night from the pain in your ribs, there were images of Terek flashing behind your eyes— you could practically feel the knife against your throat each time. 

And then of course there was Cassian and the kiss. You wondered if you made the right decision, leaving without telling him. He deserved that at least… right? Did he even bother looking for you? Even if he did… it was already too late. 

You tried not to think about the kiss often, but it was hard to do so since it was something you had truly longed for. The warmth of his lips against yours and the way that his hands felt as they held your cheeks… it was everything you had imagined. 

A few shouts between a shopkeeper and a customer bring you back to the present, and you quickly hand over a few credits before gathering your small bag of fruit and making your way home. Now wasn’t the time to think about that. 

Pushing past various individuals alike, you keep your head down as you continue back down the path to the inn. You really needed to find a way off this small moon— maybe finding a small job to help get you some extra credits or making yourself worthy of becoming a crew member on a ship would be the best ways to go about it. Either way, a fresh start might do you some good.

As you turn around a corner to an alleyway, an eerie feeling slithers its way up your back. Was someone following you? Did someone from Terek’s group survive and track you down? With your heart pounding, you try casting a look over your shoulder, but all you saw was a stray tooka cat running through the metal trash bins. Shaking your head, you quickly turn on your heel and practically run back to the inn. 

_ It’s nothing, it’s nothing. No one is following you, all of Terek’s men are dead.  _

It runs through your mind like a mantra spoken by the Guardians of the Whills— you knew it was impossible for any of Terek’s men to survive the raid from the Rebellion and  _ if _ they had, it was impossible for them to know where you were. 

Practically out of breath, you finally make it to the inn, and rush straight for your room. You make sure to lock the door and turn the lights on, feeling a little more relieved when you do so until you hear someone take a step behind you. 

“You left.” 

The bag you were carrying slips from your hand at the sound of his voice, and you listen as the shurra fruit you purchased tumbles along the floor. You don’t even bother with the fruit as Cassian walks out from the corner of the room, his eyes never straying away from you. 

He’s healed well, you note as he stops in front of you. His bruises shrunk down with a bit of yellowing around the edges, and the cuts that once littered his cheek and lips were nonexistent. 

You were too focused on looking over him that you didn’t take into account what he was doing here. It had been a few weeks since the incident, and you figured that he was going to stay focused on Alliance stuff. Were you happy that he was here?

Deep down, yes. 

Although, the expression on your face probably told him otherwise. 

“Cassian…” Is all that you can manage to say as he reaches down to pick up the fruit, handing them to you. You try ignoring the way his fingers linger against yours as he places them in your hands, taking his time to pull away. 

“You left,” he says again— dark eyes boring into yours. “I went back and looked everywhere for you. Twice.”

“I…” 

You hated that you couldn’t find the words to explain. Absolutely hated it. The longer you stared at him, the longer you began to regret the decision you had made. Maybe you shouldn’t have left, but you did. 

“When I finally told Kay, he said you asked him not to tell me that you left.”

_ That damn droid _ , you think, although you don’t really blame him. He was loyal to Cassian.

Cassian waits for you to answer, but you still can’t. Instead, you move to the small table you frequently ate your meals at to set the fruit down. Footsteps come up behind you, but you don’t turn to face him. 

“Why did you leave?” He asks in a whisper you barely catch. “I told you that I would come back so we could talk about what happened. I meant that.”

_ Talk about what happened.  _ Closing your eyes, you can easily picture Cassian grabbing your face and pressing his lips to yours. It makes your heart race in the most wonderful way possible, even though at the time you were just so confused and still in shock from the events before. You still were. You didn’t know why he had kissed you or what his reasoning was— you kept telling yourself that it wasn’t what you hoped it to be, and that you were just over analyzing. 

Another soft step is taken towards you, and you can feel Cassian closer than ever. 

“...Nova—“

“Why did you do that?” It comes out too quick before you could stop yourself. “Why did you kiss me?”

It takes everything in your power not to face Cassian— you didn’t want him to see you in this vulnerable state you were in. Instead, you wait. 

You wait, and you wait until he finally speaks.

“...Because I didn’t know how else to tell you how I feel about you,” he mutters. “When it comes to… words, I… it’s hard for me to express myself by using my words. You know that.”

He’s right. For as long as you’ve known Cassian, he was more of a physical person— he relied on action rather than words. So when you finally turn to face him, it’s there that you realize just how vulnerable  _ he _ is in this moment. His gaze is fixed on yours, but you know his mind is racing trying to choose what he should say next.

“So when I kissed you… I was hoping that— well, I just hoped it would show you how I truly feel. But me leaving right after… I shouldn’t have done that. I regretted it the moment I took that first step because I should have stayed and told you that…”

When he tries to continue, you watch his mouth open and close until he groans, running his hand down his face in frustration. He lets out a breath, before looking back at you, and taking a step towards you until his chest is just centimeters away from yours. 

He leans close to you, and  _ gods,  _ when he whispers that familiar phrase you can only stay frozen in place. You stare up at him— waiting for him to speak again.

“...You’ve always asked me what it meant, and I told you I would tell you someday.” He swallows. “It’s because I was terrified then, but now…” 

Cassian’s fingers brush against your hand, the simple touch sending your heart in a flurry of beats.

“You mean everything to me. You appeared in my life so suddenly like… like a sudden bright light— one that I have dreaded losing sight of.” He grabs your hand. “When they were taking me away, I thought that was going to be the last time I saw you. It was like the light was dimming with every step they took but then…”

He looks down, bringing your hand up to his lips as he holds it tightly. 

“I wanted to tell you right then and there how I truly feel about you. But I just…”

You place your hand on his cheek, lifting his gaze. His eyes meet yours without flinching, a sparkle of intensity between you both. 

“Tell me,” you breathe out in a mere whisper. 

You wonder if Cassian can hear the heart races due to how silent it is now and how close he is. If you were just a few centimeters closer…

“I love you. I’ve always loved you,  _ stars _ , Nova. You’re my everything. You’ve always been.” He admits. “That’s what I’ve been telling you from the first moment you asked what I meant. Every time you asked me what I was saying… that was it. I was telling you that I love you.”

And that was all you needed to hear.

Those words— finally hearing what he has struggled to say and what you weren’t sure to be true before— work their way through your mind over and over on a loop. In an instant, you’re the one who closes the small space between you as you press your lips against his in a desperate, long awaited kiss. Cassian wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you even closer as he returns the kiss. 

Everything in that moment is all you’ve ever dreamt of— as if fate was in play here. Many nights spent fantasizing about this among other things were just that, fantasies, but Cassian was here and just as real as ever. 

When Cassian’s fingers dig into your waist, you let out a hiss, and he quickly pulls back. He watches as you press a hand to your side, scared as if he was the one who hurt you.

“Sorry—“

“I’m okay, still a little tender,” you reassure, stepping closer to him. “I’m fine, Cassian.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“I am,” you nod, before grabbing his jacket and pulling him back to kiss you. 

He still seemed hesitant to grab you, but when you place his hands on your waist he seems to relent. What he doesn’t do is hold back when kissing you, and you were grateful for that. You wanted him— all of him in that moment.

Sliding his jacket off, you let him lead you back towards the bed. His fingers tease your skin at the hem of your shirt, before he breaks the kiss to pull it over your head completely. His eyes slowly trail down along your body, and he freezes as he sees the small cuts and bruises. 

His expression changes, and you press the palm of your hand against his cheek. 

“Are you sure this is okay?” He asks, genuine concern laced in his eyes. “I know you… went through something horrible—“

“We both did, Cassian,” you brush your thumb along his skin. “I don’t want to stop. I want you… I want to feel you.”

Cassian’s eyes study you, searching for any hint of hesitation or even fear probably. In return, you give him a small smile, and you watch as the gaze in his eyes softens. He kisses you, a deep and passionate notion, and you each fumble with the rest of your clothes.

He lies you down, hovering over you as he moves between your legs. He trails feather-light kisses along every inch of your skin, as if trying not to miss any spots. He leads a path from your collarbone, between the valley of your breasts until he moves over. He kisses your right mound, carefully kissing and flicking his tongue over your nipple while he caresses the other one with his hand. Soon, he switches over, doing the exact same thing.

You’re sure that he can feel the way your heart beats, how it races with each kiss, nibble, and lick he gives you. A quiet hum escapes you, and you glance down as you feel Cassian continue his course. He takes careful measure to kiss every bruise and cut that litters your skin along your torso, a silent apology almost. 

Arousal pools between your legs with every single touch Cassian makes— you’re sure to be dripping by the end. Cassian moves down lower, his lips brushing against your thighs as he inches closer to your aching sex. 

“You smell so sweet,” his voice comes out in a deep whisper. “Always wondered what you tasted like. Had so many dreams about making you come with my mouth.” 

His fingers brush against your wet pussy lips, gathering the slick as he moves up and gently circles your sensitive clit. By this time, you’re already lost. Your mind is left in a daze; the touches, kisses, and the words coming from Cassian hits you hard each time. He had dreams about you—like you did him— but hearing him saying this out loud only turned you on even more. 

He looks up, staring deep into your eyes.’”Can I...“ 

When you feel Cassian begin to push your thighs further apart, you sit up, and pull him back up. Confusion covers his face and you kiss him deeply. While the thought of Cassian delving between your thighs and making you come just from his mouth sounds exquisite, you simply want to feel him inside you already. When you tell him just that, he nods, and presses his lips to yours as you lie back down. 

His hard cock brushes against the inside of your thigh, and  _ fuck _ you are just aching for him. He nestles between your thighs, breaking the kiss to stare down at you.

“Are you—“

“Don’t you dare stop, Cassian Andor.” 

Something flashes in his eyes, whether it be amusement or adoration, it’s gone before he leans down to take your lips with his. Cassian grabs one of your hands and presses it next to your head, entwining his fingers with yours, and when he pushes inside of you, you see stars. 

No, you see the  _ entire galaxy. _

You and Cassian seem to inhale sharply at the same time, and he squeezes your hand tightly. He feels perfect, as if you were both made for each other. And when he starts moving, it’s even better than you’ve imagined. 

Sure, you were no stranger to sharing a bed with someone, but it was nothing like this. It wasn’t the face of whatever current partner you were taking that flashed through your mind, but it was always Cassian’s. For so long, you had wondered what it would feel like to have Cassian inside you— to feel his hands caress every inch of your body as you both bring each other to the brink of ecstasy. 

You no longer had to wonder, because every thrust from Cassian was everything. This wasn’t just sex with Cassian, this was making love, and by the gods you never wanted to forget this moment. It’s slow, but hard— like he is trying to make sure to hit every spot inside of you. His fingers dig into your hip, but the pleasure you’re receiving erases any sense of pain you felt from your bruises. 

When you throw your head back against the pillow, Cassian is quick to kiss your pulse— a moan escapes you as he begins flicking his tongue and sucking your skin. You try rolling your hips with his, meeting each thrust as they increase with pace. He never once releases his grip on your hand, instead presses it deeper into the mattress while the other hand lifts your leg around his waist. 

The new angle exposes more of you, and as his cock hits that spot inside of you, you’re left begging as you writhe underneath him.

“Kriff, Cassian—“ you’re cut off with a gasp. “Don’t… don’t stop.”

When  _ he _ speaks, it’s in whispers of his language that you barely catch. Only… when you come out of your daze to listen to what he says, your chest bursts with a warmth you haven’t felt in so long as you recognize 

_ I love you.  _

_ I love you. _

_ You’re my everything. _

_ I love you. _

And  _ stars _ , the way he says your name each time is like music to your ears— a symphony of moans which would soon reach that wonderful climax. 

Your free hand cups the back of his head, fingers tangling in his hair gently as you pull him down to kiss you, muttering your love for him as well. Cassian returns the fervent kiss, as he snaps his hips hard into yours over and over again. You’re so close, you can feel your orgasm practically begging to be released with every moan of his name that catches in the back of your throat. 

When it finally hits you, you’re left in such a euphoric daze that the only thing you remember is the way Cassian clutches on to your hand and how he rides you through it. White lights soon flash behind your eyelids, and you can only hold tight onto Cassian. You barely catch the way he kisses your neck or how he urges you to come earnestly through short breaths. With the way your cunt squeezes around him, Cassian soon follows with his seed pouring into you.

Small whines as Cassian loses himself are heard, and as you fall slack into the mattress, you feel Cassian bury his face in your neck. He slowly rocks into you, sending jolts of small pleasure through your body, until he finally comes to a stop. Neither of you move right away, instead bask in the way your breaths sync together.

When you do move, Cassian is the first to do so, but only to kiss you lightly along your neck. You hum, tilting your head back until Cassian is now looking down at you. So many words, so many things to say to you are probably running through his mind right now. 

He brushes his thumb along your cheek, staying silent as he takes all of you in. He leans down, kissing you over and over again as if this was the last time he was going to be able to do so. 

He only stops when you pull away, and even still he has to touch some part of you to know that this is real. When you push back his hair, he relaxes. 

“...Cassian?”

“Hm? Are you okay? Am I hurting you?”

“No,” you shake your head, smiling. “I just…”

“What is it, love?”

_ Love _ . That’s what all this— what everything has been between you both. Unspoken, but there. Now that it’s said aloud, you never want to stop hearing it, or saying it for the matter.

“I love you.” 

When Cassian smiles— a wonderful sight— you truly feel whole from the way he gently touches you and the soft response of his voice.

“I love you, too. My Nova.”


End file.
